Negative self talk—Self Esteem

Diane’s view of the world—no one will beat me up worse than me. We are our own worst enemy. Are you nodding your head in agreement? How often do you find yourself thinking, stupid, stupid, stupid? I will start out by sharing this with you as a very good example-I was leaving a meeting, it was summer, I had on somewhat clunky sandals. I had a not too nice thought about someone and wham, I missed the step, landed on the side of my foot, it took my breath away and I hobbled over to the bench that was mercifully there and proceeded to watch my foot swell up. It hurt like heck and I was trying to catch my breath. My first thought was, I am a bad person and that is why this happened. I got home that night and started crying that I am a bad person and that’s why this happened. Had nothing to do with the fact that I was going down steps and not paying attention.

I think it is basic human nature and OK, maybe parents, teachers, classmates who may have been less than kind and scarred us for life by saying hurtful things and being vulnerable we took to heart. It is not easy to change that little voice in your head either.

Negative Self Talk

I found this on the web and thought it might be a helpful tool to use. It will at least give you pause to stop and think about how we can really do a number on our self-esteem . I don’t endorse any website, I found this and liked it, my mantra is: take what you like and leave the rest.

Sample below is taken from http://www.centerforembodiedconsciousness.com/negative-self-talk.html

“Write down one of your thoughts.
I'm such an idiot.
Answer the following questions
1. How is this statement true?
Well maybe I'm not an idiot, I am kind of smart. But I totally spoke inappropriately yesterday with my colleagues. I know they must think I'm rude, inconsiderate, and hurtful.

2. How is this statement not true?
Well most of what I said was fine. We had a good time yesterday in the office... and I think my colleagues like me. I'm not an idiot in general. In fact I'm pretty smart and capable.

3. What would be a more accurate statement or thought?
I feel embarrassed about what I said yesterday. There is a possibility that I hurt my colleague's feelings, but I don't know because I haven't asked her. I don't like it when my speaking is thoughtless. I'd like to be more conscious of what I'm saying in these circumstances.

4. What have you learned from this experience?
In certain circumstances, like when there are a lot of people in the room, I can sometimes slip into a kind of passive aggressive speaking out of nervousness... and I don't like it. I want to be aware in these situations to be more present with myself and others so that I don't do this just out of habit.

This shifting negative self talk worksheet is a self esteem self help tool.”

Let me leave you with this thought, I don’t take credit for it, I read it somewhere, I just can’t remember where but this is it: Would you talk to a good friend the way you talk to yourself? Probably not, so, think about it, why talk to yourself in a negative way? Hmmm?

I don’t know about you, but I can certainly fill in a number of scenarios in my own life that still haunt me, and you know what? On occasion I have brought them up to people and they look at me like I have 2 heads, totally don’t remember, except my mother, she will give the date, time and place, what I was wearing and what we had for breakfast, but her opinion doesn’t count.

Self Esteem

What is it and do I have any? Self esteem is how you see yourself as a member of the human race. According to Webster’s Dictionary self esteem is “confidence and satisfaction in oneself”. Not having any self esteem or having low self esteem has a negative effect on all areas of our life-relationships, health, work.

More information than you probably want to know but you never know when you will be on Jeopardy: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy- “CBT is based on the Cognitive Model of Emotional Response. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.” http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm

Say what? Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you change unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns. I am not advocating for you to go into therapy.

The following 5 steps toward building healthy self esteem is taken from www.mayoclinic.com and are based on cognitive behavioral therapy principles.

· Identify conditions or situations that shrink your self esteem.
· Pay attention to where your thoughts go – what are you telling yourself? Is it making you feel positive, negative or neutral? Are they rational or irrational? (Hint, use the “Write down your thoughts” example above).
· Pay attention to when your thoughts turn negative. Behavioral, emotional and physical symptoms may be triggered.
o Behavioral: may include emotional eating, working more, avoiding tasks, spending more time alone than usual, obsessive thinking about the situation,
o Physical: change in sleeping patterns (too much or too little), stomach problems, racing heart, sore muscles
o Emotional: feeling depressed, sad, nervous, guilty, anxious, worried, angry
· Do a check up from the neck up, in other words, confront your negative or inaccurate thoughts. Calm yourself down, take a walk, take some deep cleansing breaths (in through your nose, out through your mouth, repeat often). Once you have calmed yourself down, refer to the “write down your thoughts” example above. Are your thoughts consistent with the facts and the logic of the situation? Writing and reading it helps to reframe your thoughts.
· Adjust your thinking and beliefs. You have identified your negative thinking, you learned of situations that might send your thoughts to beat you up. Stop, breathe and replace the negative thoughts with accurate beliefs and solutions instead of letting yourself do a downward spiral.

It will take work on your part to make these changes happen. As with everything you are doing, take baby steps. How old are you? It took you, fill in the blank number of years to get to where you are, so don’t expect things to change overnight. It takes 3 weeks to change a habit, over time, you will be able to learn how to respond in a healthy manner.