Asking for What You Need

You want me to WHAT? That’s OK, I will sit silently and suffer, stew, fume, boil over, punch someone in the face.

Why is it so many of us have such a difficult time stating our needs? And, why does the recipient of said request look at us like we just landed in an alien craft during dinner?

There are things in my life that I am willing to negotiate on, others not so much. Where is it written that one person has the power over another? Why shouldn’t we ask for what we need, (OK, within reason, I really don’t need a shiny red sports car). Some people have no problem speaking out and standing up for themselves while others would sooner curl up and die (great name for a hair salon except you have to spell die dye). I am being silly, it’s Friday afternoon.

Ok, you say, “I get it” but “how do I go about it”?
· Self-confidence
· Self-esteem
· Be assertive-we tend to confuse assertive with aggressive. “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.” Sharon Anthony Bower.
· Don’t think that by asserting yourself you are being rude, unless of course you get in someone’s face about it in which case you are being rather aggressive.

Start small. Practice saying no in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes and say NO, it is difficult but can be helpful. Next, try it on the dog. If it works on the dog you have it mastered.

Once you have graduated from saying no in the mirror and to the dog, take what you learned in your Lifestyle Balance class, session 10, #2 “ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. BE FIRM AND FRIENDLY”, it’s in your notebook. This is a great place to start asking for what you need. Don’t be shy. My motto is “I am the customer and paying for this with my hard earned money”, if your money is not hard earned, is your company hiring? Call me! But seriously, call me, no really… OK, it is Monday and I am still being silly.

Back to my “I am the customer” comparison, would you pay good money for a pair of shoes that are too small? Your circulation is being cut off and they pinch like a vise grip. I know I wouldn’t do that. So why would you order a meal that isn’t what you want? For you Baby Boomers out there and maybe some younger whipper snappers who are into good movies, I take you to the scene in Jack Nicholson’s “Five Easy Pieces” where he is ordering a sandwich in a coffee shop. Here it is on You Tube, it is a classic. He surely was not shy to make his request known. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wtfNE4z6a8 Enjoy. Please note: I do not advocate taking your arm and clearing the table.

Without getting caught up in Psych 401 and beyond, many of us learn to not ask for what we need. We are intimidated by others, afraid to speak up.
· I grew up in a home where I would be asked what I want and I would say I want the red one and immediately heard, no you don’t, you want the blue one. Well, I am stubborn so I usually got nothing!
· Group mentality. If everyone else asks for vanilla but I want strawberry what will they think of me. Lack of self-confidence, self-esteem—OMG, all this because I want strawberry and not vanilla? You bet.

When you feel invalidated-your opinion, your needs are not valued, then some people will stop speaking up, feeling like it is a losing battle to speak their peace. Others move 3000 miles away from home.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_management_relief_coping.htm I am highlighting some great ideas from this website, you can read it in its entirety and it’s actually about managing stress.

· Learn how to say NO –know you limits and stick to them.
· Communicate your feelings in an open and respectful way.
· Be more assertive; don’t take a back seat in your life.

To help you gain self confidence take some private time to sit down and list your accomplishments, things you are proud of, large or small. Ask your friends for their input, too. When you are making your own list I ask this of you-remove yourself from being you and look at yourself from the outside as your friend might look at you-I guarantee you won’t be so harsh on yourself. Write things down as though you were writing about your dear friend.

When you are speaking to someone:
· Stand up straight,
· Look them in the eye
· Keep your head up
· Speak clearly

You will exude confidence, take a deep breath and speak up.

Here’s a good article on Assertiveness: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042

“Assertiveness is giving yourself permission to speak up, to say no when you need to, to be proud and confident in who you are and in your abilities” http://www.solveyourproblem.com/assertiveness/index.shtml

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.” Amelia Earhart